Break on through

thefupxx @ 2010-01-02T23:54:00

2010-01-03T05:54:44Z

S
P
I
R
I
L

thefupxx @ 2010-01-01T23:33:00

2010-01-02T05:33:04Z

Please tell me that what I keep turning to, does not define me,

that I am not the person I always fall back to,

That I am more then this.

Tell me.

Answer me this new year..

2010-01-01T07:13:34Z

>I just want you to want to be with me. I want to know I'm your first thought in the morning

>I want to know why you hurt me the way you did, and then asked me to be yours

>I want to know why you bailed on your family, when you know first hand what that felt like the first time

>I want to know why I can't breathe when I'm in this town, why home is no longer home

>I want to know why I didn't get another chance

>I want to know why you never really listen when I talk, when I open up

>I want to know that that boy will be ok, that his health will keep him well

>I want to know why I found safety in the one thing that killed me

>I want to know why I was forgotten but not forgiven, why there was no chance after I changed

>I want to know why I am sick, why I got sick, just why

>I want proof that this is different, that I am different, that this isn't all in my head

>I want Kent and Al to stick around, and Sean and some of the most decent people/friends to last

> I want to know that things can last

>I want my family back

>I want Gramps to get better

>I want things to be different, but I wouldn't change a thing.

thefupxx @ 2009-12-28T01:33:00

2009-12-28T06:33:58Z

I guess I've always known i had a family out there somewhere I guess I never knew they'd come find me, or rather, that they would want to.
I know I'm old enough, practically 21, but I'm not sure how I feel. There are way to many emotions going through my head.

so turns out i have a family after all, and they want to find me

if so, why did they give me up? Is it for their sake? Because they are dying??

I don't know.

thefupxx @ 2009-10-27T02:47:00

2009-10-27T06:58:14Z

Sometimes I wonder where the days have gone, how time could pass so fast. It's hard to remember the beginning, what everything was like before this. Before us. Before we lost each other. It's not like it once was, we're holding onto the only pieces we have left, because we lost it all, when we held on to each other. Distance separated us. The arguing pushed us apart. And the past killed us. All that's left is the silence filled with all the things we couldn't say. All the things we should of done, and all the things we'll never be.

thefupxx @ 2009-09-04T03:07:00

2009-09-04T07:09:11Z

For once,

I want to be known as more then the party girl

thefupxx @ 2009-08-08T11:55:00

2009-08-08T15:56:17Z

Trust me... Its paradise... This is where the hungry come to feed. For mine is the generation that circles the globe in search for something we havent tried before; so never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, and never fail to be polite- and never outstay your welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience and if it hurts you know what its probaly worth it... You hope and you dream but you never believe something is going to happen to you--not like does in the movies but when it actually does (you expect it to feel different more visceral more real.)

Madness

2009-08-03T00:19:30Z

It's a swirl of blackness
that washes over
you never see it coming
can't feel it lurking
in the shadows
you're not safe
anywhere
so don't bother
hiding.
it drags you deep
beneath the surface
cries for help
are muffled
in it's chaos
you're a victim
in it's game.
breathing steadily,
you pray for an answer
but there
never is one
it's the monster
that encages you
locks you up
holds you captive
you're lost in
the madness

I wanna believe in you so bad but I can't.

2009-07-31T22:42:30Z

I can't do this, I don't want to feel this again. All I wanted was a happily ever after, a hey things will be ok now. I'm trying but it's useless, pointless. All that is seen are the shadows of my past, here what I'm becoming is unseen. Doubt fills everyone's ears and my pleas are unheard. All I want is to be your everything. You say it's better, that you're happy but the feeling in my stomach says otherwise. I am empty, your phone is always off and alone I fall into the past convinced things will never change. Each day I try, to help pay, to surprise you, to just make you smile, each day I try to give you was stolen by chemicals for so many years. I sit here on a friday night wondering why you don't answer, why you're not here, and what I will do in just a few days. You're leaving before I can even process it, and if I feel this now, what will I feel then? I don't think I can possibly handle this, yet it's all I want. i feel so broken down, so lost for an answer. It'll be days before I see you, we don't have much time left I don't even know how we will fill what little time is left. Because I don't think anything will be enough knowing that we're going our own ways once again. All I want is that ring back and a promise. I want not to feel my stomach sink each time you leave, that emptiness to fall away as you lay beside me in bed. Maybe I need to much, maybe nothing can fill that hole. I hear you when you tell me it's ok, that you want this you want me, that you have only eyes for me, and i for you. But Im not convinced you love me like i love you, it's to deep, to emotional, to painful.
maybe this is to much, maybe i'm too attached, maybe this is unhealthy, maybe this isn't right.

please stop it from feeling this way

thefupxx @ 2009-07-25T23:58:00

2009-07-26T03:58:53Z

There may be times when we feel like giving up. Everyone has these moments. Life is an adventure and sometimes it's an adventure that gets the better of us. But we keep on, and we will keep on! Around the next corner is something we haven't seen before. It could be something wonderful. We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are. Love ya most x

thefupxx @ 2009-07-25T11:28:00

2009-07-25T15:28:56Z

No one is free.
Even the birds are chained to the sky.
-Bob Dylan

thefupxx @ 2009-07-23T21:07:00

2009-07-24T01:09:51Z

And every night I crash
I can't stop it
I just tell myself it will pass
but it doesn't make it easier
my thoughts race
hands start to shake
It's then I realize
just how hard this is
and I realize
there is nothing I can do

I don't want to be bipolar.
I feel so alone
so helpless

thefupxx @ 2009-07-23T14:10:00

2009-07-23T18:22:34Z

everything looks a lot better sober

thefupxx @ 2009-07-22T19:21:00

2009-07-22T23:21:20Z

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.

There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.

We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things you never felt before.

I hope you meet people with a different point of view.

I hope you live a life you're proud of.

If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

thefupxx @ 2009-07-20T18:27:00

2009-07-20T22:27:58Z

I got this comment today..

Lateniteron - Mon, Jul 20, 2009 at 6:25:30 pm
Hi Kristi- I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear. I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys of life appear bigger. I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I pray you enough loss to appreciate all tat you possess. I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye. Love ya lady x

thefupxx @ 2009-07-18T21:18:00

2009-07-19T01:18:06Z

needed space to spill, read it, don't I just needed to write, weather it makes sense or not. A lot built up, and I had a bipolar episode. ( forgot pills all weened. ) I'm sure the situation didn't help and it was pretty scary. I hate it when it happens. I can't control it. I can't stop it, I can only say it will pass, but it never stops the thoughts, the fear, the millions of thoughts rushing through my head...
Today was hard, harder then I could have imagined. I don't do funerals...ever. The last one I went to was Lawrence's and it killed me. He was a father to me. Ironically that was back before bipolar, when thinking about if i were to die soon, if I had lived a life I was proud of...Today things are different. Today it hit home. I sat in that pew, helpless, scared, disappointed. Crying for death, for the pain I felt, crying because I still want more. It's hard to sit there, listen to someone's life story, remembering them, and then realizing what they'd say about you, if anyone would be there, if anyone knew you were gone. I want a full life, I want meaning, I even want that 9-5 job, normals ok as long as normal includes love, truth, faith, what matters most. I sat there praying, I thanked god maybe not for saving me persay, cause I have yet to do it, and only I can, but for helping me to realize how quickly I was killing myself. I still have time. I'm 20. And in reality I spent four years, four tiny years destroying my life... I have 50 something left. I don't remember that, I just remember how long it lasted. I still have an opportunity, opportunities to get almost everything back, most can't say that. I don't want to wake up one day realize I have little time left. Suddenly reaching out, suddenly mending relationships for my own selfish reasons, so I don't die alone, die a junkie die a less then what I wanted to be. I wanna live in such a way that I am not only proud of, but that other people would admire, benefit from.
I want to be happy, and I believe that I deserve that today.

thefupxx @ 2009-07-17T09:15:00

2009-07-17T13:15:31Z

It just hurts...a lot. I've lost him, for good, and the sad thing is I never imagined that it could turn out like that, that someone I admired could let me down so hard.

thefupxx @ 2009-07-15T14:52:00

2009-07-15T18:53:08Z

You're sober. You've got a few days behind you. You got your daddy's cash, and your mommy's wit and a dealer down the road. Your strung just thinking of what might go down.

Today?

2009-07-10T03:44:30Z

They use to talk about humility. I remember that. Lost somewhere between quilt and regret. I didn't have any idea what it meant. I was to young, to selfish, to loaded to care. The meetings were always crowded, Men, women, old and young all under one roof and all after one thing, something more. I'd stumbled in there a few nights a week weather subconsciously or consciously a part of me wanted it, or more so, needed it. Over the coarse of a year I began to recognize the faces, the stories, and not long after, the want. I wasn't serious in the beginning, not during either, although I wanted what they had to offer I refused to take it. It took several months after hearing the message, after it was revealed, even after I began to feel it work in my own life. The closer I came to surrendering, to God, to feeling something at all, the further I'd run, the longer I'd run, the further I'd fall. I would get closer each time always after what I saw but couldn't reach. I always thought it was the disease, or that particular part of town even that held me back. It wasn't until much later that I realized it was myself. I still remember when I realized that I was the only one who didn't believe I deserved to be happy. I was riding home from a family get together, my head in my lap, my hand on the door, each movement of the car sending my stomach to my throat. It had been almost a week since I'd slept, longer since I'd eaten. Running purely on the chemicals, coffee and a few bits and pieces here and there, I knew this was it, the chemicals were tearing me apart inside out. For the first time I wanted to be sober, I wanted to live, I to, wanted more. It was then I realized I'd finally understood what everyone had been talking about. After years of using, months of meetings, after weeks of sobriety, in a single moment it all changed, when I surrendered.

thefupxx @ 2009-07-08T02:45:00

2009-07-08T06:45:26Z

Im lying here, motionless. Everything around me dancing, I'm unable to hear a thing. I can feel my legs going numb the tingling sensation almost tickles.I try to sit up a force much greater is holding me back. I'm stuck. I try to focus on anything but the chaos engulfing me. However, it's just another wasted attempt at redemption. I can feel my hands as they begin to clench, attempting to hold on as the room begins to spin. My head heavy, I fade into oblivion. This is what you aimed for. Empty gratification, false presumptions. You call it "right" because it's all you know.

thefupxx @ 2009-07-07T19:20:00

2009-07-07T23:20:50Z

Been awake 53 hours
Haven't eaten in almost three days
And Ive had 21 cups of coffee

thefupxx @ 2009-07-07T14:31:00

2009-07-07T18:31:19Z

kfjajdfa;

i failed.

thefupxx @ 2009-07-07T01:52:00

2009-07-07T05:53:08Z

Im here.
Two days sober.

Shoot my stars... I love you

thefupxx @ 2009-06-29T15:19:00

2009-06-29T19:20:33Z

I just I can't do this anymore. I can't
I'm about to fucking snap.
I need out, yet I'm running in the other direction.
When shit goes wrong, I fall into it.. hard
fuck I never left.

thefupxx @ 2009-06-29T11:08:00

2009-06-29T15:11:35Z

I have this overwhelming urge to get small.
It's weird because I've been in the gym 5 outa seven days a week, working out.
My stomach is defined, my legs toned, basically I'm almost perfectly cut.
But for some reason, I feel fat.
When I turn sideways i feel wide. Yet forwards you can see the muscle lines, there's even that manly V by my hips, and an outline to define my abs.
I should be happy that I'm healthy but I think there's just something i like more about thin.
It's really started to fuck with me.
And the more I'm thinking about it, the more I don't want to eat.
yet I don't want to starve because I don't want that I haven't eaten in six days hunger.
But I don't wanna start down the road to Bulimia again.

It's so messed up and although I'm safe right now
I can feel the uneasiness of the situation.